I recently went to see my fabulous boyfriend perform stand-up comedy here in Seoul. A large part of his act was about me and our budding relationship. I actually don’t mind this. I find it flattering. Slightly embarrassing, but mainly flattering. During his set, he talked about how I’m the first Jewish girlfriend he’s ever had. I was shocked. I mean, this guy has had a lot of girlfriends. Not one of them a Jew? I realize that most of them were in the non-Jew-y parts of the US as well as Korea, which is not particularly Jew-y. But still…not one Jewish girl?
It got me thinking about the other whitebreads from my past, and I realized that, of the four significant relationships of my life, I was the first Jewish girlfriend for three of these men. I’m not even that Jew-y, but as I think on the early days with each of those men, I can remember having to explain the holidays, the guilt, my love for Barbra Streisand and Billy Joel, the difference between a putz and a schmuck, and of course, the food.
Ah, the food. It’s freezing here in Korea, which makes me long for the soups of my childhood. My mother is a glorious cook and luckily I paid enough attention in the kitchen over the years to learn many of the family recipes. This biting cold makes me want to get a pot of chicken soup with matzo balls going on the stove while “The Way We Were” captivates me for the umpteenth time from the next room. Oh, Hubble. It made me want matzo ball soup so badly that I brought a slew of matzo meal back from the states. And yes, it was in the carry-on luggage with the mac ‘n cheese. I don’t mess around. I was giddy as a school girl when I told my current boyfriend (who still lacks a nickname on this here blog…), that I’d be making us matzo ball soup in the near future. His response: “What’s matzo?”
What’s matzo? What’s matzo??? What’s matzo??!??!??!! WHAT’S MATZO??!??!?!?!?!?!?
Are you freaking kidding me? I didn’t even know where to begin. Matzo is not just a kosher cracker. I realized I had to bring it all the way back to the beginning…
Me: Once upon a biblical time, there was a group called the chosen people. They had to flee their homes and wander the desert for forty days and forty nights. They left in such a hurry that their bread didn’t have time to rise–
Boyfriend: Sweetheart, I know the story of unleaven bread. You forget my dad’s a preacher?
Me: Oh, right. Well, that’s matzo. Unleaven bread. It’s really just a kosher cracker.
Cut back to the present moment. The realization that I am the first Jewish girlfriend for 75% of my significant relationships has given me an idea. It’s a toy for children! A toy to help teach all the young Catholic and Protestant boys about that possible special Jewish gal in their future. A toy for the goy boys! And it will be marketed particularly to the youngins of the non-Jew-y parts of America, like the whole middle part, the whole southern part, and the whole part of Massachusetts outside of Boston and Brookline. It’s called, drum roll please…My Very First Jew! To assist Mattel and Fisher Price, I’ve put together a prototype:
Yes, Gwinam in Accounting helped me scan this.
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